Start

It has been almost a year and a half since I wrote a map of my life. I left my first job in September last year. I am still searching for a new position, updating my resume and applying.

I tried to join a few groups and gathered some results and wounds. It feels like a lot of time has already passed, but reflecting back, I experienced many things.

A close developer friend introduced me to the community called 글또. I participated in the 9th and 10th sessions. By submitting this article, I was able to submit writings for every session without any passes. Each participant's writing, four per session, was curated on 글또, and one of my articles from the 9th session was selected for Naver FE curation. I conducted over 40 coffee chats and even presented on that theme at 글또. In total, I was able to speak four times at various places.

글또 will end with the 10th session, and this is the last article for that session. I have few regrets about what I did in 글또. I believe I did everything I could. There are regrets, but I consider them beyond my control. However, it would be good to organize what I gained during that time.

I don’t plan to detail each event I experienced. What matters is what I gained, what thoughts I refined, and how those will influence my future. Rather than focusing solely on the past, I want to summarize the refined thoughts accumulated over more than a year. I would rather not let it pass by without acknowledgment.

Thanks to the many people who comfortably talked to me during the coffee chats, I was able to reflect and gather thoughts for this retrospective. I felt the need to write these stories before they fade into oblivion. If anyone I spoke with reads this, I want to express my sincere gratitude because this article exists thanks to you.

I also mentioned the individuals who provided key triggers in the most impactful section. While I cannot know how those conversations affected them, any questions or stories they shared resonated deeply with me. I wanted to express my gratitude here.

So, I will leave some reflections on the questions posed to me by those I had coffee chats with, as well as the thoughts I diligently explored in response. I hope this helps someone, and if there are those curious about me or my experiences, I wish it serves as a glimpse into who I am. I have categorized the topics so that readers can focus on what they need.

This article is based on my experiences. Others may have entirely different thoughts, and I am aware my ideas may be polarizing. However, I do not want to write a retrospective that only shows the good. It’s obvious that no one has only growth, improvement, or perfection, and I do not want to pretend otherwise.

Some may dislike my style. Still, instead of admiration as a great developer, I hope this serves as a retrospective that evokes human emotions and at least shows who I am. I want to be able to reflect on my thoughts when I read this in the future.

Coffee Chat

I always wanted to share something with my counterpart, to cement common meaning in our lives, wanting to create something that could be called history by driving in nails individually rather than just a monotonous flow of time. It might be difficult, but it’s something you can’t just overlook.

Shibata Sho, “Still Our Days,” page 186

The thoughts expressed throughout this piece are stories I would not have obtained without the opportunities provided by coffee chats. However, I actively sought to meet people and create connections through coffee chats. Thankfully, others saw me as proactive too. Therefore, I have reflections and discussions regarding the experience of meeting people directly. I will write those down here.

Why Did I Have So Many Coffee Chats?

When I first started the 9th session of 글또, I attracted substantial attention in the "Free Conversations" channel, which included all approximately 400 participants. I publicly proposed coffee chats, as seen in the screenshot below. I talked about who I am, who I want to meet, and what I can contribute. I wanted to create a mutual interest among people.

In the above message, over 70 emojis were clicked. I met many people but still have a large number who I haven’t yet met. It’s an excuse, but I tried to be sincere in each meeting, which exhausted me along the way—my capacity was small. However, during that time, many people responded positively, and I held numerous coffee chats.

In fact, I believe what mattered more than this brave action is what led to taking that action. I generally don’t enjoy meeting new people. My MBTI is "I," and in the Gallup Strengths assessment, sociability is rated nearly at the bottom. Most of my coffee chats were one-on-one because socializing with many people was challenging for me. Despite this, I made those attempts for reasons I will share next.

First, I don’t know many front-end developers. I began programming with algorithms, and through opportunities in an algorithm society, I started my path as a developer. Thus, most of the people around me are computer science majors. It might be an overgeneralization, but many of these individuals turn out to be back-end developers. Even now, after many coffee chats, I find more back-end developers among my acquaintances. I wanted to meet various front-end developers through 글또. How are other front-end developers of similar experience levels living? Who are those I wouldn’t naturally meet? Since there are many in 글또, let's meet them!

Also, part of this was inspired by observing someone's actions. I thought it could significantly impact my presence. I am a graduate of the 13th cohort of a developer training program called Software Maestro. They hold homecoming days where previous cohorts can network. During the free networking time, people were gathering in small groups chatting. Suddenly, one person went up to the podium, grabbed the microphone, and introduced themselves! Honestly, it was nothing spectacular—just info like their name, interests, and that they were looking for a new position, inviting anyone interested to come talk to them at a specific table.

However, the audacity to do that without anyone prompting was remarkable and very impressive. I dare say no senior or CTO at that event made as strong an impact as that individual. That person was a third-year student, and despite dozens of more experienced developers in attendance, they outshone everyone by stepping up.

I saw the opportunity for expressing myself at 글또, just like that. Sending a message is a small action that allows public self-promotion. It's a chance to introduce myself to hundreds of people, which would be difficult for any expert developer or extrovert. Without needing to step onto a stage, I could convey my message and reach an even broader audience through Slack. So I took the chance. Fortunately, many people remembered my actions positively. Some, who I met for the first time, recalled the impact of that message.

Ultimately, all this was about making a small effort for a big impact. To add a bit more context, I’ve always envied extroverted people. The attention and affection surrounding them. More precisely, it’s not the extroverted personality I envy but the good things it brings them: easily reaching out to others, forming connections, leaving marks on others’ hearts, and building lasting impressions.

But I can’t suddenly change to a completely extroverted personality overnight. So I decided to set aside what I cannot do for now and consider how I can obtain even a fraction of what extroverted people gain. This led to those public actions and starting coffee chats as I sought to meet individuals with characteristics I lack. Happily, everyone met me with open arms, providing many opportunities.

What I Gained from Meeting People

What did I gain from meeting people through coffee chats? Of course, I met people. However, when I get such questions, I have an idea of their intent. Because meeting people isn't limited to just coffee chats. The question likely revolves around what I gained from these developer gatherings that involve discussing careers and life.

I believe I can summarize what I gained from coffee chats into two main points: first, simply the opportunity to meet a diverse range of people. Second, I had the chance to reflect on myself through those people.

New People

For me, coffee chats were windows into the worlds of others, where I learned something valuable. I especially want to thank Hong Yu-jin and Nam Hee-jung for showing me a world that shook up my perspectives.

Quick aside about something outside 글또. Before going to the army, I had a brief acquaintance who I met again in 2023 (before joining 글또). This person was preparing for a career in marketing. We went out for Korean BBQ, and they dressed very formally. If I had gone to work in that outfit, I would have expected to be asked if I had an appointment today.

So I asked, "Even though it’s been a while, why did you dress so formally for our casual meeting?" They replied, "What do you mean?" For them, that attire was totally normal. They humorously explained that their closet was filled only with such clothes, leaving no options like casual wear. I thought, "Wow, there are people like that?” This person would wear a nice sweater even when taking out the trash because they had no other clothes.

Such moments made me vaguely aware that many people live with completely different mindsets and behaviors. I became curious about how such individuals live, pondering their concerns, thoughts, and what fills their lives. I hoped they would appear as specific individuals in front of me and engage in conversation. Thankfully, many among those I could invite for coffee chats turned out to be just that.

The developer field has relatively fewer majors compared to other STEM disciplines, and people come from diverse backgrounds. I’m not sure if that’s statistically accurate, but it felt that way. My life has been quite boring, and I wanted to meet active and cheerful people. I wanted to meet those who go to shows, have distinct hobbies, wear shirts or slacks instead of the hoodies I like, communicate well, enjoy meeting new people, bring high energy, and overflow with personality and charm—individuals possessing what I lack. I wanted to learn how to become like them.

Thus, I met varied individuals and got to hear their stories. How? Both of us are now developers, and it's coffee chat, after all. It was enjoyable. Ordinarily, I would not have mixed with such interesting and diverse people. Previously, I was an introverted engineering student, and those people, with backgrounds like design, journalism, or fashion, were ones I wouldn’t have encountered otherwise. Also, since there were few commonalities between us, conversation would likely have been difficult. But now that we are developers, we share something to talk about. That has been a joyful experience for me.

Of course, fundamentally changing as a person isn’t easy. I still find it challenging to engage with people. After many coffee chats, I feel I can manage a first meeting, but that’s where the challenge escalates. How can I grow closer? How can I become more like the strengths of others? How can I live like that person? If the counterpart does not choose me, moving forward becomes challenging. I am still pondering how to maintain smooth relationships naturally. How can I share feelings better with others?

However, this thought process stems from the chance to meet such individuals. In the moments of coffee chats, I often thought, "Ah, being a developer allowed me to meet such people. I’m actually having conversations with individuals I could never have dreamed of." That alone was a gain for me.

Opportunities for Reflection

Coffee chats naturally have a lower continuity in relationships. However, they allow you to meet many people. I hoped to change my perspective through such activities and learn from the strengths of others. Fundamentally, the areas I needed to develop lay more within myself.

Much of what I could do through coffee chats was to identify what I needed. Rather than learning directly from the counterpart, it was about reflecting on myself through them. This person thinks like this, then what rough edges remains in my thoughts? Or could this person's perspective fill in gaps in my reasoning?

Everyone I met had something to teach me. I also sought coffee chats with such individuals. However, their strengths could not be fully learned from a few hours of conversation. If so, expecting to gain such wisdom would demean their efforts. What I could do was glimpse at the answers already within me, made clearer through brief interactions with them.

I now better understand what I want, what I excel at, and what areas I need to improve. I can better differentiate between things I thought I wanted and those I genuinely desire. Many changes occurred in my internal priorities, and even the criteria for determining those priorities shifted to some extent. These refined answers, which I might not have clearly understood without the interactions with others, emerged. A few even invoked admiration.

Without these opportunities, I would still be forcibly turning a blind eye to my internal conflicts and dissatisfaction while chasing after unwanted pursuits.

Gaining People

The above points are where I frantically tried to gain something through others in areas I could control. For some time, I had somewhat lowered my expectations regarding gaining people through coffee chats. Still, I want to express my gratitude to Choi Min-joo and Choi Kyung-min for making a significant impact.

Gaining people is not easy. It relies not only on how I come across but also heavily on the other person's perspective—something I can’t fully control. Additionally, I don’t have a low threshold for accepting people, making it even harder to form connections.

Even so, I managed to gain a few people through these shallow coffee chats with prospects of long-term connections. While I've received many compliments, the more touching phrase was "I want to see you again" rather than just praise. As someone once said, fondness is the emotion farthest from understanding, and I don’t need that.

What I gained through meeting people undoubtedly includes people. However, I did miss many opportunities, and many aspects relied on chance, so I have little to say that is proudly significant. Just that I gained precious individuals by my side—yes, that’s the best part.

Memorable and Unmemorable Coffee Chats

I had many coffee chats; what was the best and worst experience? A few people have asked me about this. Being human, I indeed encountered people with whom my vibes didn’t mesh. However, since everyone had valuable lessons to offer, it would be rude to describe anyone outright as the worst. So, it would suffice to reflect briefly on the memorable and somewhat uncomfortable chats I had.

Initially, I enjoyed meeting people whose types I had never experienced before. But later, it became those who left a distinct impact on me—either strikingly similar or strikingly different from me. If they were similar, we could share what we learned along a similar path, forming a strong bond despite being first-time acquaintances. If completely different, I recognized that they held unique perspectives that I could learn from, even down to their gestures and expressions.

Of course, there’s a prerequisite: our thoughts need to resonate to some extent. There must be a thread of commonality for a conversation to unfold, or otherwise, awkward silences will create discomfort. However, having a considerable difference isn’t an issue. Even if the flow of thought is somewhat compatible, without that, conversations become awkwardly stilted. While learning something in the pauses between conversations is possible, returning from those meetings often left me drained. Since I could gain both knowledge and people from my chats, chats that primarily offered learning but lacked connections were a bit tiring.

Attempts, Dreams, Reflection, and Realization

The day I realized I couldn’t have my absurd childhood dream The spite that sprouted like hives ultimately tarnished its name.

Jannabi, "Dreams, Books, Strength, and Walls"

Meeting people anew was, as mentioned, a time to reflect on myself. I also encountered moments that offered realizations beyond my imagination. These moments weren't anything grand. Just like how I was shocked to learn that a friend's wardrobe had no casual clothes, small words and actions from others struck me profoundly.

Those moments piled up to give me a deep insight. Though still confused, I marked a few checks on the dreams I once hoped for. I gained new thoughts and motivations, so I want to list a few of them without a particular order. I especially want to thank Kim Chae-eun for helping me organize my thoughts through our discussion about choices.

Approaching First is Precious

In the message where I publicly sought coffee chats, over 70 people clicked emoji responses. I took that as a gesture that they viewed me favorably. But how many actually reached out to me first? When I asked this question of several people, most guessed, "Of course, it’s much less than 70, but maybe about two digits?"

In actuality, only about 2-3 individuals reached out first. Calculated, that's roughly one in twenty, which was far fewer than anyone, including myself, expected. Conversely, this implies that just by demonstrating the willingness to approach actively, one can stand out more like one in twenty! Among the dozens I met, I hold a special gratitude for those like Lee Seo-in, who reached out to me first.

I’ve known the importance of taking initiative for a while. Who wouldn’t recognize that trying to learn from others is beneficial? But how beneficial and impactful it is hasn’t been clear. Observing that figure of one in twenty through my experience quantitatively revealed how rarity initiative is.

There can be hesitations due to significant differences in experience or due to gender. But they are also people, and I’m sure receiving a message would bring them joy. Since everyone likely hesitates, wouldn't I need to overcome that hesitation to stand out?

Initially, I thought that only a few people reached out because I’m not a great developer. However, even when I asked more experienced individuals or those who are well-known within the community, that percentage remained similar. It seems that among every twenty developers, even those top senior figures showed less than 5% initiated contact.

Being one of the top 5% among developers isn’t easy. It requires ample time and effort. But what if just overcoming a smidgen of fear could allow me to stand out as one of the top 5%? It’s relatively easier than I thought! I gained firm motivation for taking a proactive approach.

Taking Action

During that time, I made various attempts. I aimed for every opportunity, from coffee chats to presentations. During one presentation in 글또, I even dressed in a witch costume to leave a strong impression. I tried to mix in with juniors and organized study groups.

There were those who hurt me, and I hurt others too. I knew things would turn out that way eventually, but I didn’t want to accept it and tried anyway. Even if it meant getting hurt, I wanted to achieve something.

Why did I make such attempts? I have reflected and thought deeply about that. First, I felt that changing myself was often overlooked. I assumed that personal change had to be a radical shift, a complete overhaul where I suddenly began to think in ways I couldn't before. While changing fundamentally is probably quite challenging, altering how others perceive me can be accomplished through small attempts, just as anyone might try to appear confident in interviews.

There's a saying I love from superhero stories, where a senior hero advises a junior. It goes roughly like this: “People think superheroes must always be heroic in every moment. Whether they’re brushing their teeth or getting dressed, they must act heroically. But that's not the case. They can be ordinary all the time, but if they perform heroic actions in just one or two truly heroic moments, then they become heroes.”

That’s it—just one or two moments. People don't truly know me; they judge based on a few moments they’ve seen. Those who have seen me give a great presentation dressed as a witch might remember me as courageous and eloquent. A few such moments can alter others’ perceptions of me. Perhaps that explains the process of gradually stepping towards real personal change—I continued attempting that.

Secondly, I realized that what matters is not necessarily being right in most situations but having a few luminescent turning points where I shape myself. Being realistic, I recognize that most times, we get what we deserve—if I believe I will fall, I will. I tend to think pessimistically, which often ends up corresponding with reality.

However, isn’t the important side of things that even if 99 people dislike me, if one person accepts me, that is significant? If I think, "I’ll get rejected 100 times, so why apply?" then nothing happens. The moments that defined me were not when I was right but rather when I overturned all pessimistic expectations and took what I wanted.

Pessimists may often be right, but it is the optimists who shine light through fully closed curtains that truly change the world. I wish to be someone who, instead of merely expecting to fail a hundred times, could cheerfully try again a hundred times, succeeding just once, and then letting go of failures with laughter.

While I want success, more importantly, I want to practice responding to the failures that everyone encounters on the way to success. Though I’ll face numerous failures ahead, I hope to leap in with greater courage next time. So let’s make attempts and be willing to face failures.

About Goals and Dreams

What are my goals? What would I do if I had a lot of money? What dreams do I want to achieve as a human being? I’ve been asked these questions many times and have heard many responses. Initially, I hesitated and struggled to answer clearly, but now I can articulate a bit.

I want to move people's hearts. I prefer to be someone who gives and receives resonance from an equal position rather than being respected solely for doing well. I don’t want to fall into mediocrity, but I also don’t need to be extraordinary. If I can share love and belonging with those close to me, that is more than enough. Being in a group that lacks a sense of belonging and cultivating relationships that are strongly business-oriented has been quite exhausting for me.

I recall when I started to develop. I became a developer drawn to people who genuinely expressed their love for coding. Were those people exceptional talents? They were proficient but simply students or junior developers. Rather, it was their sincerity that resonated within me. They readily accepted me and provided me a sense of belonging, which made me love them.

I aspire to be a person who elicits emotional resonance rather than just admiration. I’m indifferent to how far I can go as a developer. I don’t want to be a lonely hero who goes the distance alone. I want to be a person who has friends I can call, sharing joys and sorrows, understanding and loving one another. I wish for the people I desire to love me, so I can walk together wherever we go.

The second theme in my Gallup strengths assessment is "Relator," and I believe this trait well explains my relationship formation. Knowing this, I set a strong goal to become a person who resonates with others and can exchange such connections.

Because of your strengths, you will prefer to spend time with friends who have been through ups and downs with you, and with friends who know you intimately. Typically, such a list contains a few treasured friends.

CliftonStrengths 34, Gallup, Relator theme uniqueness

In striving to become that kind of person, I wore a witch costume in presentations and polished my story while meeting others. I don’t wish to remain distant. I will devote myself to people involved with creating understanding, love, and resonance.

Eliminating Vague Thoughts

The most frequently exchanged question while meeting people seemed to be “Why?”— Why did you become a developer? Why do you want to pursue this? Why did you make that choice? Why was it a turning point, etc.? I’ve also been asked “Why?” about my actions, requiring me to ponder them.

Through that, I realized many people, including myself, had vague desires. The answers to the questions often lacked proper connections. For instance, I often spoke about writing since most of my coffee chats took place in 글또. Many expressed a desire to write well and consistently run a developer blog.

But why should I maintain a blog and write well? Often, the answers drifted towards the idea of gaining an image of a capable developer. But if that’s the case, there are many other routes: toy projects, participation in coding clubs, or forming study groups. Why must it specifically be a developer blog? At this point, pondering the connections between different contexts became unavoidable.

I’ve received countless “whys” and pondered my own decisions. Through this, I could eliminate many vague aspirations. For instance, I wanted to be popular and hoped everyone would like me, but that was not genuinely my desire.

I've always had a high threshold for acceptance regarding others and could come across as exclusive. Yet, I sought someone to love despite those high walls I built. If only a few people could penetrate them, I could afford to dismiss the rest. I think I mistakenly believed that being popular would ease my path to finding such people.

Though I’ve often considered what would be good or what I should excel at, those were just vague thoughts. I cannot excel at everything; I need to decide where to allocate my limited resources and through that process, filter out pursuits far removed from what I genuinely want. After that, I can chase what I seek. Engaging with others who have explored various experiences of both sweetness and bitterness while exchanging “whys” helped reduce the vague elements floating within my mind.

Writing

I believe that using a warm tongue to express ordinary words with a cold head is what it means to be alive. Because the body moves through the power of blood. Words not only transmit waves through the air but can also act more forcefully on something powerful.

Natsume Sōseki, “Kokoro,” page 165

I spent significant effort and time writing. Though in the small world of 글또, some results emerged. I secured curation from the very first session of the 9th cohort, and most of the pieces I put effort into made it to curation.

Hence, I've received many questions about writing, allowing me to clarify previously vague thoughts. I view this writing as a chance to organize my background experiences and thoughts I’ve refined. I'm thankful to Lee Hong-bin for presenting the questions that inspired this thought process and Lee Hyung-geol for allowing me more lucid thought through discussion.

Me and Writing

I did not start writing to explain technology. I’ve been writing since childhood; it is something I am accustomed to. Just as someone might naturally play soccer with classmates, writing feels that natural to me—one of the few rare abilities I possess.

My parents have always been book lovers, and my father sometimes wrote for leisure. I started writing around the age of ten, spurred on by my mother’s borrowed books from the library. I wrote about the value of life, the meaning of friendship, the person I wanted to be, and how the world should run, all filled with childish thoughts and reflections of my childhood experiences.

My father offered feedback on my writing, not aiming to raise a writer. To him, writing was always a tool—a means to express oneself. No special skills are required; what matters is writing a lot, experiencing, and thinking deeply, enriching one's thoughts. Writing is about conveying what you see and feel to others as accurately as possible with sharp perception. There’s no need to wrap shallow thoughts in elaborate words—no, that’s not how it should be.

Using beautiful words, straightforward explanations, detailed descriptions, short sentences, and metaphors as tools, I shouldn't overly fixate on them. The essence is how I experienced and thought about things. Writing improves through revision; before trying to achieve anything through “writing skill,” one should confront the world and engage one’s thoughts.

Look out the window. What signs do you see? To you, perhaps the chicken shop stands out, but to someone else, it might be a produce shop. Based on one's experiences, a particular person might notice the pattern of pavement blocks in the street. If someone comes to you saying, “I see this pattern in the pavement blocks,” isn’t that a piece of the world you hadn’t noticed? Every thought you can express also holds that uniqueness. It’s enough to convey that in writing.

With those words in mind, I learned to write. I wrote extensively, enriched by compliments or feedback. I often tore apart drafts to recreate them into some feasible form. Occasionally, people would say I wrote well. Although many such praises felt hollow at the time, realizing later that the emptiness could also become part of my writing. To me, writing was essentially the expression of me.

Writing for me is weaving in the blood shed through living and learning. Just as I feel a strange thrill from hearing others’ stories, if my written words are imbued with my sweat, tears, and perspectives, that’s all that matters. I have revealed myself, and if people recognize that it is indeed me, that suffices.

I’ve spent a long time with this thought. Except for the 2-3 years around my senior year of high school and being a freshman in college, I’ve written consistently since I was ten. If writing is a tool, there are few developers who have embedded their essence into that tool as much as I have. Writing, where I put effort into conveying my journey, is not about using fancy words; it’s about communicating the path I’ve walked accurately.

What matters is not vocabulary or such superficial attributes. Such things improve through reading and writing. The real essence lies in constantly confronting the challenges and thoughts that come my way, struggling to survive, and leaving behind some writing of value. Just as Beethoven’s story resonates more than Mendelssohn’s, who had an orchestral background, because of the struggles he overcame against all odds, that depth speaks to understanding.

I meet people. I study. I engage in new experiences. I give and receive wounds, sadness, and anger. Everyone lives like that, but like the distinct shapes of our faces, my experiences are unique, and I live in my own way. I write to express this truth loudly and vividly.

If one wishes to follow me, they must first pierce their hearts. I do not believe in smoothly written narratives devoid of challenges. I don’t believe in the myth of becoming great without hardship. I believe it is impossible to touch someone’s heart without experiencing pain, and I strive to encapsulate all my darkness, losses, anguish, sadness, joy, love, anger, injuries, and every human emotion and lesson into my writing.

To Write Technically

When others ask how to consistently post on a blog, I tell them, as mentioned above, that writing is merely a means of self-expression. So as long as you exist, there’s no need to fear. However, I think there’s a slight distinction between diligently writing and crafting it systematically, so I want to clarify how I weave together technical writing as a systematic exercise.

Firstly, this was somewhat influenced by innate traits. I’ve always been a person full of thoughts, curious about contexts. I didn’t understand the notion of simply accepting things. For instance, if someone dislikes me, they might not even be able to explain it. But I sought ways to uncover that reason like finding lost objects.

In the Gallup strengths assessment, my top strength is "Context." As mentioned earlier, the previous example about people doesn’t always act strictly as an advantage.

By reflecting on the past, you understand the present. Your unique ability to recognize relationships between the path you've traveled and the path ahead provides immense power in planning and decision-making.

CliftonStrengths 34, Gallup, Why Context is Unique in Success.

This proclivity greatly aids in writing deeply technical pieces. Let’s say I delve into a topic. The concept itself may be complex, allowing multiple areas to dig into. But even a simple concept has an underlying flow worth exploring. Understanding the broader context has become my approach.

In computer science, unlike natural sciences that study nature, because it serves as a wholly human-made system, it seems I could uncover the peripheral contexts of technology more readily. In this field, few things come about suddenly.

If Steve Jobs had been born in the Stone Age, instead of creating a smartphone, he would likely be studying ways to draw in caves or create fire. His talent would remain the same across different eras, but what he achieved with that talent would vary with the time and environment he’s born into. Every concept and innovation is interlinked. Working from that notion, I investigate where concepts originate and how they connect.

Ultimately, I keep asking “Why?” For example, in a front-end discussion, it’s unheard of for someone who has studied JavaScript not to have heard of Promises. So, why did this Promise emerge? Usually, developers will mechanically respond with "callback hell."

But isn’t that strange? The common example of callback hell is that infinitely nested callback scenario thrown around on social media—it’s clearly poor code. But could it be that developers before the era of Promises were all stupid for not noticing such an awkward and inconvenient code? That’s illogical. So how did things function before? Or why wasn’t there a need for something like Promises? Every answer will generally lead to some rationale or lead.

I strive to connect those dots and hone in on the holes along the way to craft a coherent piece. Successfully intertwining those strands ought to yield a decent article that provides a pathway to understanding that others can grasp and follow. It doesn’t have to be a historical narrative; it’s essential to strive to justify every flow I wish to convey. Practice is necessary, and some posts on my blog are products of that practice. While it requires effort, I believe anyone can start that process.

Writing and Choices

Many praises are directed at those skilled in writing. There are sentiments that suggest the future will divide people among those who can write and those who cannot. I’m not entirely convinced. I’ve written steadily, but it’s simply a finding of my innate traits and cognizance that led me to select that path.

I’ve been accustomed to writing since childhood, and generating flow and articulating it is a strength of mine. Conversely, I don’t particularly enjoy and might not be good at rapidly generating original ideas. (Though I can get inspired by others’ bright ideas and mimic their work well.) In that context, I merely chose to showcase myself through this blog, something I’m good at and wish to engage deeper in.

Among the people I wanted to meet, some struggle quite a bit with writing. But if that’s the case, why should one write? If they see value in standing out further through writing, this path holds significance. On the contrary, if engineering serves merely as a tool for problem-solving and a medium for creating value in the world, then there’s less incentive to pursue technical writing.

Pursuing projects they truly wish to embark on during that time may shine far brighter for them. Honestly, among those I met, few operated blogs as consistently as I did. Yet, everyone I encountered shone brightly in their own right, creating their distinct brilliance that stood apart from what I’ve built. In the end, it all boils down to choices. I recognize that not everyone can always choose freely, so I understand that irrationalities exist. However, fundamentally, I believe not everyone must strive for writing.

Finding My Path

What matters is not how many dreams have been achieved but how many remain unfulfilled, and how many more dreams you can still nurture. Thankfully, I have a few more dreams left, and perhaps more will come to me. I will strive to pursue those as much as I can, even if disappointment follows. Why?

Because they are dreams.

Lee Seok-won, “Ordinary Being,” page 265

Having made countless attempts and thoughts, conversing with others and self-reflection ultimately aimed to discover my own path—seeking how to ground my center and find directions toward a better life. Many experiences and failures were attempts to illuminate the path to a happier life.

A World Full of Questions

I’ve pretended to be an adult, working, living, and interacting with people. However, that always left me with questions. My small capacity often couldn’t comprehend the sheer number of contradictions in life.

Why, despite doing the same things, does the other person easily make friends or romantic partners while I remain alone? I thought if I only did my work well, I could become a cool, admirable, attractive person, but why didn’t that happen? How can someone I perceive as less capable receive so much love? Why must I only become this kind of person at my workplace? Why am I so bad at development? Why is it that almost nothing seems to go according to my wishes? Why can’t I readily accept and move on from the fact of my weaknesses?

Such thoughts, common for many reflective individuals, haunted me under the covers. Looking back, I see I made what I thought were the best choices in my numerous decisions, just like anyone else. If I returned to that point without memories, I would likely make similar choices. However, those choices didn’t lead to my happiness but instead served to fill out my resume.

Clearly, I worked hard, and over time I acquired wealth and understanding. Compared to my twenty-year-old self, I’ve developed in my thought processes. However, that anticipated elevation to adulthood felt more like enduring time than advancing—a grueling grind.

However, if I manage to do something—

Not to Dream of Becoming a Perfect Hero

I don't enjoy writing retrospectives for technical blogs, but that's merely a preference. I engage in plenty of self-reflective retrospectives. How did I do? What if I had acted differently? Could I have done better? These thoughts occupy my mind daily.

In those self-reflections, I often dreamed of being a hero. You know those people who, even amidst blame from all sides, manage to pull everything off and forge new careers? Those who single-handedly innovate every aspect of team culture, earning everyone’s trust and forming a great team.

Couldn’t I have achieved something remarkable too? At minimum, couldn’t I have made better choices than I did? If so, I could have gained more and retained more people.

However, looking back, I can’t turn back time. What’s the point of holding onto fantasies of some failed perfect version of myself? I’ll commend myself for being able to endure tough situations that only a hero could fix rather than berate myself for not being one. Superheroes warrant praise, but it’s unreasonable to blame someone for not being one. In reality, almost all of us aren’t superheroes.

I wanted to do this and keep that person by my side; I wanted to embrace everything without losing anything and emerge victorious. I believed that’s what an ideal hero would do, and I aspired to be like that. However, such things simply don’t exist. The world intertwines in intricate relationships, including myself. In striving to gain one thing, I must lose another.

In pursuit of the so-called heroic figures, I encountered many of them. Yet, they didn’t possess superhuman strengths capable of tearing through every obstacle effortlessly. Each of them solved complex knots of continuous failures and shed tears, while all possible alternatives had to be sacrificed. Ultimately, they managed to unravel just one knot.

I failed to see the tears and losses they bore while exclaiming cheerfully, “Oh! You untangled that complicated knot beautifully! You are a flawless hero!” That was a misconception on my part. After glimpsing their hidden struggles, a clearer understanding emerged.

Have I done well? Can I do well? In truth, I don’t know. That might not even be an area I can judge. What matters is safeguarding myself through all those processes of doing something rather than anyone else or anything else. Protecting me. I won’t dream of being a perfect hero who gathers everything. That’s unrealistic and even if it once appeared in my mind, it’s not a role I can truly aspire to.

Choosing one thing and losing another is a necessary part of the process. In situations where either of two must be sacrificed, it’s unreasonable to label the loss itself as a mistake. What I can do is cherish myself for making that choice and love that part of me.

In circumstances demanding a choice between two, even if I cannot become a grand hero who alters the paradigm to retain both, that’s perfectly acceptable. If the idea of an ideal hero merely serves to diminish my self-worth through comparisons, then there’s no value in that perspective. Furthermore, isn’t it much happier to be loved as a human rather than seen through the lens of heroic expectations? I continue to convince myself and safeguard my identity in that light.

Quick Attempts

I can’t be and no longer dream of becoming a flawless hero. So, what should I do in reality? Rapidly attempt and learn to rise after failures. Success is not something I can capture merely by wanting it.

I aimed to make roughly 9 out of 10 choices to avoid failures. I became preoccupied with avoiding losses. Yet, I underestimated how time continues to flow while I ponder. In the end, I became stuck, paralyzed in indecision while having made no choices—sometimes, yielding me a 0 out of 10 outcome. Meanwhile, those who took quick, smaller steps accumulated success from those choices. At least they advanced beyond me.

So, what matters in making quick choices and attempts? Is it the ability to make better optimal selections swiftly? I don’t believe so. Whether picking this or that is often similar in outcome. I think it’s crucial to dive in without hesitation, grasping what’s within reach, and rapidly taking a leap.

Let’s not fear losing or failing. Such experiences are unavoidable for obtaining something. Besides, missing out is not a disaster. There are still other opportunities available. Remember, we only need to keep the flame of one possibility alive. The way failures manifest don’t define me. Instead, the experience of overcoming those failures and taking another leap afterward—those small lights created from rising post-failure shape me.

Success? That is wonderful. Who wouldn’t aspire to be successful? But no one accomplishes everything without even a scratch. Whether others deem it relevant or not, let’s dive into the path we dream of, chasing success, even if we stumble, tear up, and fall apart. It’s okay to not be perfectly composed in front of sincere failure. What matters is the courage to endure those messy moments. Protecting my identity even as I suffer, lose, and at times unintentionally wound others—through all this, I will safeguard myself. If I survive this time around, I might approach the next attempt much bolder, perhaps even leading to success.

Let’s not be ashamed of not performing well. Instead, let’s feel shame about not having the courage to even try and run away. Let’s strive to avoid living humdrum lives by foolishly rushing into failures and shedding tears, absorbing the learnings from such experiences. So, even after failing a hundred times, let’s gather the courage to once again attempt a hundred times, succeeding even once, and then letting go of failures with a smile.

So, may tomorrow be another day of tearing, absorbing sunlight to nurture myself, and rising to try again. I was enchanted by foolish individuals who charge headfirst toward what they love, their eyes shining brightly. Thus, I hope to resemble them a bit more each day. Those who’ve become my friends say that, now approaching twenty, it’s tougher to dive in without thinking. Conversely, that implies that if I merely leap, I could relive those earlier days. The journey continues.